💬 What Being A Restaurant Host Taught Me About Uncomfortable Conversations - Issue 05

My 3-step framework that will avoid the friction in complaints, arguments and conversations

👋 Hi, I’m Bea. I work in communications in food, relationships, and mental health spaces. I write weekly discoveries that have helped me stay calm in the hustle.

Today, I’m sharing how I’ve learned to deal with complaints.

I once dreamt of owning a restaurant. I grew up around it and thought I was meant to do that. After college, I went for it without knowledge.

I had no idea what I was doing, blind to running a restaurant. But one role I enjoyed was being the host. The weekends were busy, with 200 people flowing through on a Friday night, a mix of chaos, cocktails, and, yes, customer complaints.

I had a routine: bending down, meeting them at eye level, and showing them I was intent on listening.

Then, I'd paraphrase what they shared in 100+ words to 10 words.

Last, I'd sweeten them with a freebie like a margarita or some guacamole and chips. It was a genuine gesture of goodwill.

At the center of every complaint I got, and there was a lot, I learned a simple 3-step framework, LAS, that helped get me through and turn an unhappy person into a happy one.

Step 1: Listen. Let People Know You're Listening.

Step 2: Acknowledge. Show You Get It and Respond Right

Step 3: Sweeten it up. Be prepared to show a gesture of goodwill or kindness.

Step 1: Let People Know You're Really Listening.

I've recently enjoyed The Diary of A CEO's 33 Business Laws of Business and Life. And one of the laws is, "You must never disagree.", even if deep down you do.

He shares that mastering communication is all about the approach, especially in changing people's minds, negotiating, conflict resolution, winning arguments, and being heard.

You need to keep someone's brain lit up so they can keep listening to what you're saying. A big part of this law is his conversation with Tali Sharot, a neuroscientist who has researched how to influence people around us. (Watch the video below for a quick explainer)

Practically, phrases you should not use:

🟢 I disagree.

🟢 You're wrong.

🟢 That's stupid.

🟢 No.

Instead, use this:

🟢 I hear what you're saying.

🟢 I understand where you're coming from.

🟢 Yes.

Step 2: Show You Get It and Respond Right

When someone talks to you, really listen. Then, let them know you understand how they feel. I picked up some tips from the book "Feel Good Productivity" by Ali Abdaal.

He talks about capitalization in psychology. This concept shows that responding to another person's good or bad news enhances the overall emotional experience, leading to increased happiness and improved relationships.

He even shares a 2006 study where researchers videotaped how 79 couples responded to good and bad news with each other. He writes,

“It turns out that how participants responded to their partners’ good news was the strongest predictor of how long they’d stay together and how happy they were in those relationships.”

He also shares that there are four different responses:

➡️ Cheerleader Charlie - You get excited about good news or show you understand and care when it's bad news. It's like giving someone a high five or a hug with your words. (Active-constructive)

➡️ Easy-going Emma - You hear the news but don't make a big deal about it. (Passive-constructive)

➡️ Envious Ethan - Instead of being happy for others, you make them feel bad. It's like raining on their parade. (Active-destructive)

➡️ Self-centered Sam - You talk about you instead of them. (Passive-destructive)

So, what’s the best way? Be like Cheerleader Charlie. Here's an easy guide to follow:

Ultimately, it's all about catching what someone throws at you and throwing back something of value.

Step 3: Sweeten it up! 

DoubleTree by Hilton, a hotel chain, is famous for greeting guests with a chocolate chip cookie upon check-in. Every year, 30 million people eat their signature cookie. It’s a simple gesture, but people love it.

This gesture is the final touch that makes anything better.

Whether dealing with a complaint, argument, or uncomfortable conversation, think of the last thing you can add as a gesture or something to say that could give the other person the same feeling as biting into a comforting and warm cookie. 

So, what's the takeaway? It's about infusing a bit of comfort, a dash of care, into our everyday exchanges. These small gestures can make a big difference, be it a cookie, a sense of appreciation, a compliment, or a genuine smile.

Whatever kind gesture you choose is a big sign that says, "I hear you, and what you've said matters." 

In the ideal world, there would be no complaints or uncomfortable conversations. The thing is, it’s unavoidable.

Even today, I still remember my nights of dealing with an endless queue of impatient customers. My goal then was to make sure the unhappy ones would leave, telling me, “We’ll be back!” And really, they did.

The LAS framework isn't just a communication strategy; it's a philosophy. It's about building relationships based on respect, understanding, and kindness. 

You can turn even the most challenging conversations into opportunities for growth and connection. So, next time you find yourself in a tricky chat, remember LAS. Listen, Acknowledge, Sweeten it up. 

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My Content Diet 🧠

If you want to learn more on this topic, check out any of these resources:

• Julian Treasure's TED Talk on Effective Communication - With 58 million views, it’s a less than 10-minute video on how to speak so that people want to listen

• The Influential Mind - The work of Tali Sharot is brilliant! If you find yourself in many friction-heavy conversations, this is one you need to read.

• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life - This book is a guide to fostering healthier relationships through empathetic communication, teaching you to navigate conflicts with compassion.

• Never Split The Difference - Offers negotiation techniques from a former FBI negotiator, giving you the edge in any challenging discussion.